I keep wanting to run away from my problems

Brilliant Green is drying on my nails and a blend of it with Hookers Green is set on the palm of my hands. In about 15 minutes I’ll be able to peel the thing right off because it’s only acrylic paint. There were various grays blues browns and reds to have used today, but when I preferred to slouch underneath the sweltering sun, I wanted to work with green in order to give more form to the grass.

The beauties found within nature fascinate me. With its powers to stimulate my senses, it helps to stop my anxieties from abruptly spilling onto the surface. So for today I am only going to concentrate on what I already know grass to be, in order to paint it the best way I can. I am not going to think about the thing that makes me question what is compressing my chest, and cry here in front of these young women.

Ever since I was really young and very overwhelmed by my inability to be extroverted, I loved picturing myself rolling down the meadows of Ireland. This specific flight of my imagination was developed from having seen many commercials advertising the splendors that could only be found within the third largest island in Europe. In my dream to one day be in Ireland, (to do just that as a child), I needed open space that would let me stretch out my limbs and be who I am, by myself. I eagerly wanted an escape from my reality, and in it I’d hope to be the one to cure my aches in this solitude I yearn for.

A few hours have passed and portraying real green grass on this wall, (for this building on the corner of Lexington on Brooklyn), isn’t doing as good of a job in keeping theses repressed tears from coming down. As I take a pause I begin to feel as though it was useless trying not to cry… I am incredibly sad. I thought nothing about the scorching heat, and I had no idea work was coming to an end. All I could do was reflect on what’s causing me to feel as though it would be best to simply end all efforts to communicate with my parents. I depend on their approval more than anything, and so I do not know how I’d be able to cope without it like I was able to before.

rise above this

I don’t know if I am denying the feeling of self worthlessness right now, but I know that I’m feeling a bit of hurt and pain. I know that tomorrow will be a better day, and hopefully the same for the entire week. The Father said that I’ll definitely flinch more than most, (which itself is a good thing). I did so today when I was walking to church. I was proud of myself for not overreacting and thinking the worst from it, because when I turned around the man was only unpacking. The sun is staring intensely at me as it sets, if only I could have noticed its placid shine earlier… I just didn’t give myself the time to be swallowed up by its warm affection. I can’t seem to walk the streets pedophile free, and because of that I walk as fast as these feet can, paying little attention to the outside. Feeling a bit of satisfaction from what I can recollect, I did enjoy the middle of the previous week. Brooklyn made me smile so much, my face felt heavy. Thankfully for my friends who suggested walking, I got to relax with both a clean conscious and an open heart that liberated me from a particular doubt I’d had. I haven’t held a child in years, and due to that I’d considered myself incapable of taking care of children. On two separate days, I was given the task of being there for two kids that were not yet two years. Being there for them, as they walked with their soft and tiny feet… staring up at everything, involved me having to carry them when they went too far astray. The hesitation flew off in both occasions, and holding them close to me excited my kindness. The Father also gave me the reassurance that no one will take advantage of me again. I can honestly say that I believe in that, even when I just happen to walk along certain paths where creeps hang around on. For tomorrow I hope to rise above the aches I keep silent at times, to not only give off whatever can offer someone with delight… but also to except whatever good others do provide me with.